Major League: The Boston Red Sox Edition

[Editor's Note: In a strange development, this post strangely parallels this Deadspin post which previews the 2007 Red Sox. I promise you, though, that this post is 100% my own original content and idea.]

With Opening Day finally drawing nearer and nearer, I felt the urge last night to turn back the clock to 1989 and enjoy my all-time favorite of Hollywood's baseball movie classics. It's not Bull Durham or Field of Dreams or the Natural or For Love of the Game. Nope! The absolute greatest baseball movie of all-time is Major League. It is my undisputed, no-questions-asked, clear cut, runaway #1. So, I snatched up my wife (who, by the way, had never before seen the movie) and forced her to watch a display of comedic excellence with me.

While watching, though, I couldn't help but think of the 2008 Red Sox. After Indians GM, Charlie Donovan, reminded his cast of coaches that Jake Taylor was once a star for Boston, that got me thinking about the similarities between the Indians rosters from both Major League

Was Jake the starting catcher for the Sox during the Buckner game?

movies - I and II - and the roster of the 2008 Boston Red Sox. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how symmetric the two teams are. You could basically swap out the cast from Major League for a select group of Red Sox and not miss a beat.

So, I've compiled a list of ten Red Sox players who match up most congruently with ten personalities from the Major League movies. And here's how the credits would look if Major League I and II were recast with the roster of the Boston Red Sox.

Major League, an S3B film, starring:

Jason Varitek as Jake Taylor
Both are seasoned veterans. Both are the undeniable leader and captain of their team. Much like Jake Taylor in Major League II, Tek most certainly has what it takes to transition into a coach's role after his career is over. While it's unclear whether JV has the bad knees that JT does, I could definitely see Tek dropping down a bunt single to score Jacoby Ellsbury from second base to beat the Yanks in the regular season finale with a playoff spot on the line.

Curt Schilling as Ed Harris
Schill and Ed Harris both play the role of the wily veteran whose skills have diminished to the point where they must rely on pitching savvy and finesse...and maybe some snot and Vagisil as well. (Think Ed Harris was a blogger?)

Jon Papelbon as Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn
These two are more alike than one may originally think. Sure, Rick Vaughn had his control problems and probably couldn't have hit water if he fell out of a boat. And sure, Papelbon has an immaculate career K/BB ratio of 193/45. But they are both fearless flamethrowing closers with wild personalities and eerily similar hairstyles. Beyond that, Papelbon seems to be taking a similar path to that of which was chosen by the Wild Thing in Major League II. Papelbon's greed and outspoken disgust over his contract terms seem oddly similar to how Rick Vaughn sold himself out for the glitz and glam that come with being a professional athlete. And as Vaughn introduced a new pitch in Major League which he coined the "Eliminator," Papelbon himself plans to introduce a new pitch this season, a slider. I'm convinced that we may see Papelbon entering the field from the Fenway bullpen in the bottom of the 9th wearing black-rimmed glasses divided by a skull-and-crossbones decal, walking briskly to the sound of "Wild Thing," and doing a postgame commercial for Right Guard where he repeats the words "odiroferous, olflactagil, emancipations."

Coco Crisp as Willie Mays Hayes
I thought about giving the nod to Jacoby Ellsbury on this one. Like Willie Mays Hayes, both Crisp and Ellsbury are lightning fast and both are highly adept with the glove. But, in the end, I chose Coco to represent Willie Mays Hayes in the remake for two reasons. First, as Lou Brown says regarding WMH's hitting in Major League, "You may run like Hayes, but you hit like shit." Crisp fits that mold a bit more as Ellsbury can handle the stick with more proficiency than Coco. Second, Coco would be better suited as Black Hammer, Jesse Ventura's sidekick, in "Black Hammer, White Lightning."

Manny Ramirez as Pedro Cerrano
This perhaps may be the greatest match between a sports personality and a movie character in the history of sports and film. Other than the fact that Manny can actually hit a curveball, not much else is different. They both seem to be more out of touch

Is that Cerrano's locker or Manny's?

with American culture than they should be. They both prefer speaking in their native Spanish tongue, and, when they do speak English, fail to do so fluently. They both share a similar fun-loving, yet standoffish personality. They both can "hit straight ball very much." Plus, I wouldn't be surprised if Manny practiced voodoo, worshiped Jobu, drank rum before a game, or ran to the aid of a pigeon after striking it with a batted ball. This would all come full circle if Manny went on to do commercials for Allstate Insurance and star in episodes of The Unit after he retires.

Jerry Remy as Harry Doyle
Living something like eight hours outside of Boston, I am not too familiar with the commentary of NESN's color guys. However, I do know that new president of RSN and NESN analyst, Jerry Remy, is to the Red Sox what Harry Doyle was to the Indians in Major League. Like Doyle, Remy adds a lively, quick-witted humor to the Red Sox broadcasts. Not being overly familiar with Remy, I have not been a benefactor of this, but I have heard that Remy is also good for the frequent one-liner, something that Harry Doyle has made the movie very popular for. And I'm sure, given the chance, that Remy would throw back a bottle of liquor and swear during a broadcast.

Terry Francona as Lou Brown
Lou Brown and Francona are the very definition of player's coaches. While Lou takes more of a business-like approach, both guys know when to have a little fun. Both guys say the right things and defend their players at all costs. And both guys know how to manage their players' talent and personalities. Although it unknown whether they share the same employment history (Brown previously worked at a tire shop before being hired as the Indians manager), they do share questionable health. Lou Brown suffered a heart attack in Major League II. Francona has had his fair share of health concerns including a long battle with tobacco addition.

Daisuke Matsuzaka as Isuro Tanaka
The token Japanese guy. While Hideki Okajima could technically be considered for the role of Isuro Tanaka, Dice-K gets the nod due to his goofy and sometimes bizarre personality that better resembles the antics of Tanaka. I mean, really, who is more likely to stand at the top of the dugout steps and shake a bag of marbles to try and break Manny out of a slump, Dice-K or Oki? Exactly!

David Ortiz as Roger Dorn
There are obvious differences between Big Papi and Dorn (who wears #24, by the way). There's the size difference. There's the skin color and nationality differences. There's the power difference. And, unlike Dorn, Papi doesn't seem averse to calisthenics. But if you take all that away, David and Dorn are very similar. They are both the face of their franchise, in a way. Papi has become the face of the Red Sox by way of his infectious smile and personality. Dorn was the face of the Indians simply by way of his expensive price tag. Both guys are one-dimensional; both are proficient with the stick but lack the necessary fielding skills to be considered even average with the glove. Dorn did make it through a whole season as the Indians third baseman in Major League, but that did not come devoid of myriad bruises. And Big Papi doesn't even play defense. Outside of that, they both seem to enjoy riding around town in fancy cars, as Dorn sported what seemed to be some rare British car in Major League, and Papi has been known to stroll around in the occassional pimped out Cadillac.

Sean Casey as Rube Baker
This last one may be a bit of a stretch, but I needed an additional player to make this list an even ten. Anyways, Rube is known for his nonsensical stories and hick-ish persona in Major League II. He's a light-hearted, friendly, clubhouse type of guy. Originally from Pittsburgh, I do not expect him to be "hick-ish," but Sean Casey is certainly the Red Sox version of Rube Baker. At least a one-time winner as being recognized as the nicest guy in baseball, Casey certainly comes off as such. While Rube uses terms such as "butthead," I can imagine Sean Casey throwing words like "nerd" and "dweeb" around the clubhouse. Just for the record, I would love to be a fly on the wall to hear Sean Casey tell someone like Manny or Papelbon the story that Rube told Vaughn in Major League II about getting kicked in the nuts by a mule. That would be high comedy.